Please take a look at this.
In the event you were to lazy to click that link and read here is the gist. I am a 23 year old comic with a dream that has been archived by this 13 year old. Oh my God kill me. He was personally invited to audition for America's Got Talent. He started when he was 11. I started at 19. So in all the years I was working at honing my craft, he archived more in half the time!
I Googled the kid and checked kids resume. He has preformed at the legendary comedy store in LA, and has opened for Jimmy Walker. Remember him? You know... the "dynomite!" guy? Yeah him. Walker requested him. Like the kid got paid and stuff. Kill me.
Time to get a little personal. when I was in 4th grade I did stand-up in my school talent show. I was 10 or 11 at the time. For the most part I did jokes that I stole of the TV, but I ended with my own thing. I did a 90's version of the Wizard of Oz with a rap song. If you have not watched the videos of this kid, do so now. HE DOES A DAMN RAP SONG! Not only is he more successful then me, but he is more successful then me by stealing my thing. I bet he is a virgin too! Oh my God kill me!
Then again don't kill me. The more I think about it, this kid has to have a writer.... right? I mean he can't do this all alone.... right? I think some one has to be helping him with material. How would he know about no child left behind. Then again, if you watch the video of him at the Comedy Store he improvises some stuff. His bio also says he is quick on his feet and loves doing Q & A. Please some one kill me!
Now really don't kill me. This proves two things. One, if a kid can do something an adult has to work hard to do, even if they do it in a less impressive way then the kid will get attention. Think of any impressive task. Now imagine a 12 year old doing it. It becomes more mind blowing instantly. Two, the Internet makes fame much easier. This is a kid from Idaho. He would be no one if not for the Internet. So more power to you kid. You are funny, and I must say you made me laugh. But guess what, I can drive! HA!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Night of Sex 7, from a Stand-up point of view.
Think of any teen movie you ever saw. Who is getting made fun of? The nerd right? Why? Dresses funny sure. Smart, that is always bad. I also bet they call him on being a virgin. What a loser.
Oh by the way I am a virgin. Yeah, really. Do you know how hard it is to be a virgin at 22? Well I'm 23. And you know what I get made fun of a lot, but it is usually by me so I guess it is okay.
You see Night of Sex 7 was last week. A show with a lot of history. You see at night of sex 4, all those years ago, I made my stand-up debut and killed. Since then I have become a staple in the show with a new set every year. Night of Sex 7 will be my last one so this is my Superbowl. This is my Woodstock. So I thought I would be lighter then I have been lately and tell you of the rush that I got from doing this show.
So before the show I hang out with the people. Many of them know me from past years. They tell me that they can't wait to see my set this year. Some go as far as to say that it is the reason they came. The pressure builds. To bomb is one thing. To bomb with 3 years of hype on top of it. That is killer. This is where the doubt kicks in. Can I deliver? I mean I have never told these jokes before, how can I even be sure they funny? Can I even remember those jokes? GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I run away. I hide and run my jokes over and over again. Each time they seem less funnier. Are they funny or do I just know them so well that they are not funny to me? Can't turn back now. Should I just do last years joke? It is a cop out but I rather impress the people who don't know me then disappoint everyone. GAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Remember when I said it was going to lighter? It is getting there.
I am on stage now, hosting. 4 acts till my stand-up. But since I am hosting people might be sick of me by then. Can't think about that now. Gotta do my hosting duties I have plenty of time to panic in the wings. "And now here is a song by Blink 182." GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Just about to go on stage. Doing the new stuff. I can always bail early if things go south. This is the biggest crowd we have ever had for this show. But it still only like a 1/10 of everyone at Stockton. If I bomb I can just duck these people. Well here we go. Show time. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
On stage. Mic in hand. I am the baddest mother f***er in the world. Once I am on stage. Once the cheer at my name all the stress falls away. I own the room. These people are going to laugh, because I know I am funny as hell. "I love being at Stockton. This is the only college where you can go down the street and find a corner with a bowling alley, a liquor store and a porn store on it. It's great, all of Stockton's favorite one armed sports in one place!" They laugh. I rule the day, and that was joke one.
Then I get into my personal life. "I just had my anniversary with my girl. I took her to the nicest bar I know of. She turns to me and says lets pretend we are strangers. I say sure.... So I am hitting on the bartender. My girlfriend say what are you doing? I am trying to get laid. Leave me alone. She said, Noah stop! How do you know my name! Stalker!" True story. People laugh. In the haze I hear the distant laugh of my girlfriend. My smile grows a little wider.
I then talk about my virginity. "When you get up you think, Today might be the day. I might get sex tonight. When I get up I think, Today might be the day. I might finally beat my old tetris high score. Yeah, the only thing I am fitting together that night are little blocks." The last part I came up with on the spot. It gets a laugh. I am on fire.
"I feel like a rockstar. Feel free to throw your pantys on the stage." I don't know why I say that. I was just in the moment and it came out. No one throws any panties. Bummed I move on.
I close mineing oral sex. A bit over the line for me, but I just went for it. The crowd goes nuts. I want to stay in this moment forever. I decide I want to try. I whip out my camera and ask the audience to squish together for a photo. The picture actually come out really well.
The rest of the show I am high as a kite. I am just buzzing around riding the adrenaline. I feel like I could fly if I wanted. Luckily I don't try. The show ends.
I go home with my girlfriend and we sit around to talk about the show. I take a deep breath and reflect. As I sit there I find it hard to remember what really happened. The adrenaline wears away as I try to think what jokes I did. I explain that it really is all a blur. I am really unsure if I told all my jokes or not. My girlfriend says really, cause you went like 10 mins over your time. Stunned, I look over my jokes. Turn out a skipped quite a few. My girlfriend asks me what the rockstar line was about. I turned and looked at her. "What rockstar thing." I ask. "You said you were a rockstar and that we should throw our underware on the stage." I only remember saying it after she remines me. "So, was it good?" I laugh. "You were really funny. You know that."
"Yeah I do, but I just wanted to be sure."
"Do you really not remember?"
"I do, but it all seemed so fast, and surreal. I just want to makes sure it was as good as it felt."
I hope that I captured the chaos of this. It really is the greatest high in the world. To stand infront of 300 some people and have them love you for it. It is crazy. I hope everyone has something in their life that can compare to this feeling. It is like flying. It is also really hard to exspress in words.
Oh by the way I am a virgin. Yeah, really. Do you know how hard it is to be a virgin at 22? Well I'm 23. And you know what I get made fun of a lot, but it is usually by me so I guess it is okay.
You see Night of Sex 7 was last week. A show with a lot of history. You see at night of sex 4, all those years ago, I made my stand-up debut and killed. Since then I have become a staple in the show with a new set every year. Night of Sex 7 will be my last one so this is my Superbowl. This is my Woodstock. So I thought I would be lighter then I have been lately and tell you of the rush that I got from doing this show.
So before the show I hang out with the people. Many of them know me from past years. They tell me that they can't wait to see my set this year. Some go as far as to say that it is the reason they came. The pressure builds. To bomb is one thing. To bomb with 3 years of hype on top of it. That is killer. This is where the doubt kicks in. Can I deliver? I mean I have never told these jokes before, how can I even be sure they funny? Can I even remember those jokes? GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I run away. I hide and run my jokes over and over again. Each time they seem less funnier. Are they funny or do I just know them so well that they are not funny to me? Can't turn back now. Should I just do last years joke? It is a cop out but I rather impress the people who don't know me then disappoint everyone. GAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Remember when I said it was going to lighter? It is getting there.
I am on stage now, hosting. 4 acts till my stand-up. But since I am hosting people might be sick of me by then. Can't think about that now. Gotta do my hosting duties I have plenty of time to panic in the wings. "And now here is a song by Blink 182." GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Just about to go on stage. Doing the new stuff. I can always bail early if things go south. This is the biggest crowd we have ever had for this show. But it still only like a 1/10 of everyone at Stockton. If I bomb I can just duck these people. Well here we go. Show time. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
On stage. Mic in hand. I am the baddest mother f***er in the world. Once I am on stage. Once the cheer at my name all the stress falls away. I own the room. These people are going to laugh, because I know I am funny as hell. "I love being at Stockton. This is the only college where you can go down the street and find a corner with a bowling alley, a liquor store and a porn store on it. It's great, all of Stockton's favorite one armed sports in one place!" They laugh. I rule the day, and that was joke one.
Then I get into my personal life. "I just had my anniversary with my girl. I took her to the nicest bar I know of. She turns to me and says lets pretend we are strangers. I say sure.... So I am hitting on the bartender. My girlfriend say what are you doing? I am trying to get laid. Leave me alone. She said, Noah stop! How do you know my name! Stalker!" True story. People laugh. In the haze I hear the distant laugh of my girlfriend. My smile grows a little wider.
I then talk about my virginity. "When you get up you think, Today might be the day. I might get sex tonight. When I get up I think, Today might be the day. I might finally beat my old tetris high score. Yeah, the only thing I am fitting together that night are little blocks." The last part I came up with on the spot. It gets a laugh. I am on fire.
"I feel like a rockstar. Feel free to throw your pantys on the stage." I don't know why I say that. I was just in the moment and it came out. No one throws any panties. Bummed I move on.
I close mineing oral sex. A bit over the line for me, but I just went for it. The crowd goes nuts. I want to stay in this moment forever. I decide I want to try. I whip out my camera and ask the audience to squish together for a photo. The picture actually come out really well.
The rest of the show I am high as a kite. I am just buzzing around riding the adrenaline. I feel like I could fly if I wanted. Luckily I don't try. The show ends.
I go home with my girlfriend and we sit around to talk about the show. I take a deep breath and reflect. As I sit there I find it hard to remember what really happened. The adrenaline wears away as I try to think what jokes I did. I explain that it really is all a blur. I am really unsure if I told all my jokes or not. My girlfriend says really, cause you went like 10 mins over your time. Stunned, I look over my jokes. Turn out a skipped quite a few. My girlfriend asks me what the rockstar line was about. I turned and looked at her. "What rockstar thing." I ask. "You said you were a rockstar and that we should throw our underware on the stage." I only remember saying it after she remines me. "So, was it good?" I laugh. "You were really funny. You know that."
"Yeah I do, but I just wanted to be sure."
"Do you really not remember?"
"I do, but it all seemed so fast, and surreal. I just want to makes sure it was as good as it felt."
I hope that I captured the chaos of this. It really is the greatest high in the world. To stand infront of 300 some people and have them love you for it. It is crazy. I hope everyone has something in their life that can compare to this feeling. It is like flying. It is also really hard to exspress in words.
You smile with your teeth, we smile though ours.
"I tried to kill myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dieing. I would say the last time I tried to kill myself was about an hour ago. I jumped of a very tall building and accidentally did two perfect backflips and landed on my feet. The only people who saw this were two little kittens and one turned to the other and said, 'See that's how you do that.'" -Stephen Wright.
After reading various articles about stand-up I realize that this is a very violent activity. Think about it. If we do well we KILL. Do bad we DIE. The best part of our jokes are the PUNCHlines, unless of course we are doing SLAPstick, but everyone knows that is HACK. What is the the deal? Why these terms? Then I read Ed's response to my post, about self destruction in comedy, and it all became clear. The terms are violent, because stand-up is our fight to survive.
Read that Stephen Write joke again. Now take out the punchlines and pretend your best friend is saying those things. No only is it not funny, it's down right scary. Well I have some news for you. Stephen Wright really does think about killing himself. Stand-up in it's truest form is a display of who that person is. Exaggerated yes, but it is still them. These are the comedians true feelings. That is why they were able to write these things.
Take a look at Richard Louis. You more then likely know him as either as Larry David's friend from Curb or the prince in Robin Hood Men in tights. He is a stand-up great. He just talks about his insane paranoia, and it is hilarious. It is also true. If you saw Richard today and asked him, "Are you okay? You look sick." He would panic. He would just check over himself a million times to see if he was sick and more then likely decide that he is sick afterward. That is his life, the only difference is he shares it.
I am no exception. I was recently in a car accident. totaled my car. My grandfather's car. That I inherited when he passed away. My girlfriend was in the car and I was pulling out of the WAWA. We were going on a little date and I had to tap the ATM. My girlfriend mentioned there was an ATM where we were headed and there was no need for me to go the way I was going, but I went to WAWA out of spite. In other words there was no reason for me to be there and the accident could have been avoided. As they towed my car away the date money was spent on WAWA hoggies and we waited an hour and a half for a ride. My girlfriend then had to go home. She left without a date and won't be seeing me for two weeks. I was crushed.
Two days later I hit the stage, "So I just smashed my car, which sucks. Car was totaled, but what bummed me out is that I was hit coming out of a gas station! The car I can deal with but I blew 35 bucks on a full tank to move 35 feet. To add insult to injury is that I almost made it out of the way and just got nailed, then I found out that I was hit by a DODGE!"
Not my best joke sure, but everyone laughs. I laugh to, but not because I think it is all that funny. I just like knowing that something good at least came out of my pain. So I smile along with everyone, because is I were to cry I think it would kill the mood.
When Stephen Colbert was asked how he writes his show he said, "I open the paper and look for things that make me want to cry. Then I think of something funny so I don't." In all honesty that is what comedy is. We laugh to keep from crying. You know the saying, "it is funny because it is true"? Well all jokes are true in some respect. Something gave that comedian that idea for that joke. You can bet is was a real life experience.
Now I don't want you to feel sorry for us. That is not the point. I just want to show what an odd breed us comedians are. While other performances are to spread a message or make money, comedy is really for the comedian. Dane Cook has a new joke about a fan who wrote a letter saying, "Both your parents got cancer and died to get away from your comedy." I know his first reaction to this was not, "This is really funny!" No. It was hurtful, but if we can spin it into comedy then maybe the pain goes away. You see while our lives suck, comedy is the only way we have found to deal with it. When you laugh you give us a great gift. You give us power over our situation. Not only is the the pain gone for that moment, but it is conquered! So don't feel bad for us laugh with us. We really don't want you to know the darkness. We don't even want to know it. That is why we wrote the joke. As a matter of fact forget you read this. It's to depressing to know that our comic grin is made of plastic, and comedy is our drug that makes us feel normal. But it is true.... and that's why it's funny.
"Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says, he's depressed. Says life seems cruel and harsh. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. The Great clown Paglacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man busts into tears. 'But Doctor... I am Paglacci!' Great joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains." -Rorschach from Watchmen
After reading various articles about stand-up I realize that this is a very violent activity. Think about it. If we do well we KILL. Do bad we DIE. The best part of our jokes are the PUNCHlines, unless of course we are doing SLAPstick, but everyone knows that is HACK. What is the the deal? Why these terms? Then I read Ed's response to my post, about self destruction in comedy, and it all became clear. The terms are violent, because stand-up is our fight to survive.
Read that Stephen Write joke again. Now take out the punchlines and pretend your best friend is saying those things. No only is it not funny, it's down right scary. Well I have some news for you. Stephen Wright really does think about killing himself. Stand-up in it's truest form is a display of who that person is. Exaggerated yes, but it is still them. These are the comedians true feelings. That is why they were able to write these things.
Take a look at Richard Louis. You more then likely know him as either as Larry David's friend from Curb or the prince in Robin Hood Men in tights. He is a stand-up great. He just talks about his insane paranoia, and it is hilarious. It is also true. If you saw Richard today and asked him, "Are you okay? You look sick." He would panic. He would just check over himself a million times to see if he was sick and more then likely decide that he is sick afterward. That is his life, the only difference is he shares it.
I am no exception. I was recently in a car accident. totaled my car. My grandfather's car. That I inherited when he passed away. My girlfriend was in the car and I was pulling out of the WAWA. We were going on a little date and I had to tap the ATM. My girlfriend mentioned there was an ATM where we were headed and there was no need for me to go the way I was going, but I went to WAWA out of spite. In other words there was no reason for me to be there and the accident could have been avoided. As they towed my car away the date money was spent on WAWA hoggies and we waited an hour and a half for a ride. My girlfriend then had to go home. She left without a date and won't be seeing me for two weeks. I was crushed.
Two days later I hit the stage, "So I just smashed my car, which sucks. Car was totaled, but what bummed me out is that I was hit coming out of a gas station! The car I can deal with but I blew 35 bucks on a full tank to move 35 feet. To add insult to injury is that I almost made it out of the way and just got nailed, then I found out that I was hit by a DODGE!"
Not my best joke sure, but everyone laughs. I laugh to, but not because I think it is all that funny. I just like knowing that something good at least came out of my pain. So I smile along with everyone, because is I were to cry I think it would kill the mood.
When Stephen Colbert was asked how he writes his show he said, "I open the paper and look for things that make me want to cry. Then I think of something funny so I don't." In all honesty that is what comedy is. We laugh to keep from crying. You know the saying, "it is funny because it is true"? Well all jokes are true in some respect. Something gave that comedian that idea for that joke. You can bet is was a real life experience.
Now I don't want you to feel sorry for us. That is not the point. I just want to show what an odd breed us comedians are. While other performances are to spread a message or make money, comedy is really for the comedian. Dane Cook has a new joke about a fan who wrote a letter saying, "Both your parents got cancer and died to get away from your comedy." I know his first reaction to this was not, "This is really funny!" No. It was hurtful, but if we can spin it into comedy then maybe the pain goes away. You see while our lives suck, comedy is the only way we have found to deal with it. When you laugh you give us a great gift. You give us power over our situation. Not only is the the pain gone for that moment, but it is conquered! So don't feel bad for us laugh with us. We really don't want you to know the darkness. We don't even want to know it. That is why we wrote the joke. As a matter of fact forget you read this. It's to depressing to know that our comic grin is made of plastic, and comedy is our drug that makes us feel normal. But it is true.... and that's why it's funny.
"Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says, he's depressed. Says life seems cruel and harsh. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. The Great clown Paglacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man busts into tears. 'But Doctor... I am Paglacci!' Great joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains." -Rorschach from Watchmen
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