You know they say it is funny cause it is true..... it can it be funny if it WAS true? For those who have not seen my stuff (what is wrong with you) it is mostly about my girlfriend. For those who don't know me, I am no longer with my girlfriend. So as it would turn out the jokes are not funny any more. And I don't want to be cocky, but they were really funny before. So what happened? Basically my heart is not in it any more. What made it funny is I new it was true. Now I just feel like I am telling a lie.
So can I never tell these joke again? Well I think of Ron White. He tells a bunch of jokes about his wife, but then ends it with, "I am just kidding we got divorced I just wanted to do those jokes first." So if I pepper a line like that in will the jokes work again? Yes..... kinda.
You can't be funny if it hurts. You can tell jokes to hide the pain but not jokes that ARE the pain. So they were kinda hit or miss when I told them.
So what is the point of this blog. Well it is for me to tell comedians not to put all their eggs in one basket, and for me to get some stuff of my chest. Hope you enjoyed.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Your Average Unaverage Open Mic.
So I did my first open Mic in a while at the Stress Factory. I thought I would give a recap to show just how unpredictable these things are and what they can do to a comic's mind.
The place is packed like I have never seen and I know there are only 15 spots to give out. So the first panic session starts. Will my name be picked out of the hat. 5 bucks cover and an hour of driving for nothing. Well luckily I am picked and now I can panic about my set.
I am number 14.... out of 30. Due to the large number of people they double they usually have. So now we all have 3 minutes instead of 5. Time to rewrite!
Now the idea of the open mic is to do the new stuff. Why waste time using stuff I know works. I need to increase the size of the joke library and now is the time to do it. So all I gotta do is go up there and tell the new jokes... but no one wants to bomb, and there is a huge risk of bombing with new stuff. So I have known comics (myself included) who wuss out and do all old stuff so they know they can get a laugh. The way I get around it is I open with something I know works, the do the new stuff. This way I can feel good that I got them going before jumping into the deep end with the new stuff.
So the show starts and Skin and Bones member Adam Mamawala open the show for us and kills. That is some nice energy to get started. Now he was great, as was many others, but any comic will tell you it is hard to enjoy the show when you still have to preform. Just running though your jokes over and over again. It kinda sucks. As much as I hate going first, when the crowd is cold I feel better once it is over with, so I would rather go early.
Now the 10th guy is on stage. The crowd is a little tiered now, but still hanging in there. That is when the host drops the bomb... "Next is a very special treat because you have seen her on Comedy Central. Give it up for Bonnie Mcfarlane!" If you don't know who she is, she was the 1st person out on season 2 of Last Comic Standing, and that is a god damn crime because she is so funny. She did mostly crowd work and killed. She was able to make a guy feel like crap for having a BIG penis. That is nuts. (Get it? Penis? Nuts? Yeah she is funnier than me.)
So I think to myself that maybe after the show I will go hit on her, and then I can talk about how Bonnie Mcfarlane rejected me. Then I remember that she married Rich Vos. Damn. Oh crap here comes the host.
"We have another treat for you. Give it up for Rich Vos!" Well hitting on Bonnie is defiantly out now. So here we go. Rich Vos, who I just love. If you don't know him.... you suck. In any case he was season 1 of Last Comic Standing I want to say he came in 3rd or 4th. I love this guy. He is a jersey guy and is just awesome... usually. For a man of his talent, he basically bombed. The only things that worked was his old stuff. To add to the strangeness, he has his 3 year old daughter join him on stage and then I think he tried to make her swear. Very very strange. He then says something along the lines of, "Thanks a lot guys. I am going to the biggest comedy festival tomorrow and you people made me feel like crap." That's no joke. That sucks. No matter your skill level, bombing kills you.
So now we go back to armatures and I am blown away that they were just here. They each did like 10 minutes. Awesome. Ok back to business and.... my jokes are not that funny to me any more. Am I going to bomb in fromt of to comics I idealize? Fuck that! Switching to the A- material. Time to rewrite again.
Ok, luck number 13 is on stage. I am next. Gotta get pumped. I am comfortable with my sets lets do this! Hey look it is Rich Vos... and he is leaving. Damn it. No reason to do the a-set. Got 3 minutes to rewrite the new stuff in. Lest go.
"Ok you guys ready for some more comedy." (Weak applause. The audience is getting tired.) "Who came here to see Taylor?" (stronger applause) "To bad cause he is not next. Next we have a guy who could be a regular for all I know, I don't know. Here is Noah." Some intro huh. So I get on stage and say, "That's how I like to start a set, With all of Taylor's fans hating me." Laugh. And here we go.
"So I am a virgin..." Now if people clap here I have a joke. If people laugh I have a joke. If I get no reaction I just move on.... So I say that and one guy just whistles. I was just confused. And that is what I said... and I should have just moved on. So I do my first big joke... falls kind of flat...Next big joke.... SILENCE... Fuck the new stuff going for the killer ending.... and it does ok.... but I shot my load to early and now I have a minute or more left and just used my best joke. So I bail. FUCK!
Now looking back, I did really well considering the number of comics who just ate it. I could blame Boonie and Rich for tiring out the audience.... so I will. The fuckers!
So now I can enjoy the show cause I am done right.... no, of course not. This is the sick part. I want to do everything in my power to blame the audience for what happened to me. So if anyone is funnier than me and gets good reactions I am going to be pissed.... and I was pissed as some comics did well. Not that I wanted to hate them, but I did. Can't help it.
So Taylor finally goes like number 20 or so. People are leaving it kinda sucks. Than Taylor makes me feel a lot better... about myself.... cause I am not him. Taylor treats us to a list of the most raciest shit I have ever heard. Enjoy this. "I think we should give races to each day of the week. Like Mondays, no one likes Mondays so we will give them to Blacks. Then there is Wednesday, witch is hump day, so I have to give that to Hispanic because they can squirt out kids like no one business. Then there is Thursday, the day before pay day, they call it brake the bank day. I have to go Hispanic for that one." Yeah, someone said these things.
Son now a special thing happens. Now when anyone starts to bomb they do one of two things. 1) Make fun of racist Taylor. 2) Make fun of virgin Noah. You might think that would bother me, but no. People remember my name. That is awesome.
The rest of the night was either not of note or I am to lazy to keep writing. You be the judge. I will say the rest of Skin and Bones performed and that is aways good. Don't know about us jet? Check the Skin and Bones fan page of facebook.
The place is packed like I have never seen and I know there are only 15 spots to give out. So the first panic session starts. Will my name be picked out of the hat. 5 bucks cover and an hour of driving for nothing. Well luckily I am picked and now I can panic about my set.
I am number 14.... out of 30. Due to the large number of people they double they usually have. So now we all have 3 minutes instead of 5. Time to rewrite!
Now the idea of the open mic is to do the new stuff. Why waste time using stuff I know works. I need to increase the size of the joke library and now is the time to do it. So all I gotta do is go up there and tell the new jokes... but no one wants to bomb, and there is a huge risk of bombing with new stuff. So I have known comics (myself included) who wuss out and do all old stuff so they know they can get a laugh. The way I get around it is I open with something I know works, the do the new stuff. This way I can feel good that I got them going before jumping into the deep end with the new stuff.
So the show starts and Skin and Bones member Adam Mamawala open the show for us and kills. That is some nice energy to get started. Now he was great, as was many others, but any comic will tell you it is hard to enjoy the show when you still have to preform. Just running though your jokes over and over again. It kinda sucks. As much as I hate going first, when the crowd is cold I feel better once it is over with, so I would rather go early.
Now the 10th guy is on stage. The crowd is a little tiered now, but still hanging in there. That is when the host drops the bomb... "Next is a very special treat because you have seen her on Comedy Central. Give it up for Bonnie Mcfarlane!" If you don't know who she is, she was the 1st person out on season 2 of Last Comic Standing, and that is a god damn crime because she is so funny. She did mostly crowd work and killed. She was able to make a guy feel like crap for having a BIG penis. That is nuts. (Get it? Penis? Nuts? Yeah she is funnier than me.)
So I think to myself that maybe after the show I will go hit on her, and then I can talk about how Bonnie Mcfarlane rejected me. Then I remember that she married Rich Vos. Damn. Oh crap here comes the host.
"We have another treat for you. Give it up for Rich Vos!" Well hitting on Bonnie is defiantly out now. So here we go. Rich Vos, who I just love. If you don't know him.... you suck. In any case he was season 1 of Last Comic Standing I want to say he came in 3rd or 4th. I love this guy. He is a jersey guy and is just awesome... usually. For a man of his talent, he basically bombed. The only things that worked was his old stuff. To add to the strangeness, he has his 3 year old daughter join him on stage and then I think he tried to make her swear. Very very strange. He then says something along the lines of, "Thanks a lot guys. I am going to the biggest comedy festival tomorrow and you people made me feel like crap." That's no joke. That sucks. No matter your skill level, bombing kills you.
So now we go back to armatures and I am blown away that they were just here. They each did like 10 minutes. Awesome. Ok back to business and.... my jokes are not that funny to me any more. Am I going to bomb in fromt of to comics I idealize? Fuck that! Switching to the A- material. Time to rewrite again.
Ok, luck number 13 is on stage. I am next. Gotta get pumped. I am comfortable with my sets lets do this! Hey look it is Rich Vos... and he is leaving. Damn it. No reason to do the a-set. Got 3 minutes to rewrite the new stuff in. Lest go.
"Ok you guys ready for some more comedy." (Weak applause. The audience is getting tired.) "Who came here to see Taylor?" (stronger applause) "To bad cause he is not next. Next we have a guy who could be a regular for all I know, I don't know. Here is Noah." Some intro huh. So I get on stage and say, "That's how I like to start a set, With all of Taylor's fans hating me." Laugh. And here we go.
"So I am a virgin..." Now if people clap here I have a joke. If people laugh I have a joke. If I get no reaction I just move on.... So I say that and one guy just whistles. I was just confused. And that is what I said... and I should have just moved on. So I do my first big joke... falls kind of flat...Next big joke.... SILENCE... Fuck the new stuff going for the killer ending.... and it does ok.... but I shot my load to early and now I have a minute or more left and just used my best joke. So I bail. FUCK!
Now looking back, I did really well considering the number of comics who just ate it. I could blame Boonie and Rich for tiring out the audience.... so I will. The fuckers!
So now I can enjoy the show cause I am done right.... no, of course not. This is the sick part. I want to do everything in my power to blame the audience for what happened to me. So if anyone is funnier than me and gets good reactions I am going to be pissed.... and I was pissed as some comics did well. Not that I wanted to hate them, but I did. Can't help it.
So Taylor finally goes like number 20 or so. People are leaving it kinda sucks. Than Taylor makes me feel a lot better... about myself.... cause I am not him. Taylor treats us to a list of the most raciest shit I have ever heard. Enjoy this. "I think we should give races to each day of the week. Like Mondays, no one likes Mondays so we will give them to Blacks. Then there is Wednesday, witch is hump day, so I have to give that to Hispanic because they can squirt out kids like no one business. Then there is Thursday, the day before pay day, they call it brake the bank day. I have to go Hispanic for that one." Yeah, someone said these things.
Son now a special thing happens. Now when anyone starts to bomb they do one of two things. 1) Make fun of racist Taylor. 2) Make fun of virgin Noah. You might think that would bother me, but no. People remember my name. That is awesome.
The rest of the night was either not of note or I am to lazy to keep writing. You be the judge. I will say the rest of Skin and Bones performed and that is aways good. Don't know about us jet? Check the Skin and Bones fan page of facebook.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Super High Me
Doug Benson saw Super Size Me and wrote a joke about how he was going to make a movie called Super High Me. He was going to smoke pot for 30 days and try to remember to film it. He told this joke at a club one night and a filmmaker came up to him and made the movie a reality.
Now this makes me think back to me saying that pot is the steroids of comedy. I thought this movie would show if it is true or not. Turns out it is true. Like really really true. Like super true plus some.
Okay lets forget about the fact that smoking pot, you know, got him a movie. The movie shows him pot free for 30 days then on pot from morning to night for 30 days. Let me point out that he lives in California where medical marijuana is legal and he has a prescription. He took a number of tests clean and high to see how pot changed the results. According to the movie, while pot hurt his math skills, he didn't do any physical harm to himself, did better on the S.A.T.s, increased his sperm count and gained psychic powers. (Really!)
I was shocked by the pro pot message of this movie but then again what the hell did I expect from the movie Super HIGH Me? In any case I want to talk about the comedy side of this. It is clear that pot is the best comedy short cut. During the sober time he writes the following joke: "Why isn't there a mildew remover called mildon't?" Did you laugh? No. Did you chuckle back it is a terrible joke? Maybe, and that is how he told it. He told it as, "look at this bad joke!"
Also during his high time we see his adventures in the world. Each of which became a joke in his act, and a good one at that. Previously as he was suffering sober, we saw him parasailing. He brings it up during his act and just says, "I don't know why I brought that up. I don't have a joke for that yet." The underlying message to me was, had he been high, he could have made a joke that, but he wasn't so he couldn't.
What really bugged me was watching this movie and seeing comic after comic say that they smoke. Sarah Silvierman takes a hit on camera. She then says, "I had a vaporizer (pot smoking device) but I left it at Adam Corola's house." So he does it. Brian (last name to hard to spell) from the Sarah Silverman program admitted it as did Arj Barker of Flight of the Concords fame. Whose Line is it Anyway's Greg Proops and Paul F. Thomkins heavily implied they did. Just hero of mine after hero of mine fell in line to inhale. The only ones that did not were Bob Odenkirk and Dana Gould. Bob said that smoking pot at his age was sad, but wishes he could smoke like 2 times a year. Dana Gould on the other hand has never drank or smoked in his life and I am a fan of his. I am guessing half the people who read this won't be sure who he is, but I am a fan. He is, however, on antidepressants so medication is part of his life.
So over all I will say that I don't want to smoke pot, but the "why the hell not" switch has been hit and I don't know how hard I would avoid the stuff. If it works it works. There is not comedy drug test so why not? The roids of comedy are out there. Everyone is really doing it. I could easily use the, I am just leveling the playing field defence. I just don't know how I feel about it.
Oh and for Christ's sake LEGALIZE IT! It would be so good for the economy.
Now this makes me think back to me saying that pot is the steroids of comedy. I thought this movie would show if it is true or not. Turns out it is true. Like really really true. Like super true plus some.
Okay lets forget about the fact that smoking pot, you know, got him a movie. The movie shows him pot free for 30 days then on pot from morning to night for 30 days. Let me point out that he lives in California where medical marijuana is legal and he has a prescription. He took a number of tests clean and high to see how pot changed the results. According to the movie, while pot hurt his math skills, he didn't do any physical harm to himself, did better on the S.A.T.s, increased his sperm count and gained psychic powers. (Really!)
I was shocked by the pro pot message of this movie but then again what the hell did I expect from the movie Super HIGH Me? In any case I want to talk about the comedy side of this. It is clear that pot is the best comedy short cut. During the sober time he writes the following joke: "Why isn't there a mildew remover called mildon't?" Did you laugh? No. Did you chuckle back it is a terrible joke? Maybe, and that is how he told it. He told it as, "look at this bad joke!"
Also during his high time we see his adventures in the world. Each of which became a joke in his act, and a good one at that. Previously as he was suffering sober, we saw him parasailing. He brings it up during his act and just says, "I don't know why I brought that up. I don't have a joke for that yet." The underlying message to me was, had he been high, he could have made a joke that, but he wasn't so he couldn't.
What really bugged me was watching this movie and seeing comic after comic say that they smoke. Sarah Silvierman takes a hit on camera. She then says, "I had a vaporizer (pot smoking device) but I left it at Adam Corola's house." So he does it. Brian (last name to hard to spell) from the Sarah Silverman program admitted it as did Arj Barker of Flight of the Concords fame. Whose Line is it Anyway's Greg Proops and Paul F. Thomkins heavily implied they did. Just hero of mine after hero of mine fell in line to inhale. The only ones that did not were Bob Odenkirk and Dana Gould. Bob said that smoking pot at his age was sad, but wishes he could smoke like 2 times a year. Dana Gould on the other hand has never drank or smoked in his life and I am a fan of his. I am guessing half the people who read this won't be sure who he is, but I am a fan. He is, however, on antidepressants so medication is part of his life.
So over all I will say that I don't want to smoke pot, but the "why the hell not" switch has been hit and I don't know how hard I would avoid the stuff. If it works it works. There is not comedy drug test so why not? The roids of comedy are out there. Everyone is really doing it. I could easily use the, I am just leveling the playing field defence. I just don't know how I feel about it.
Oh and for Christ's sake LEGALIZE IT! It would be so good for the economy.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The Blog stays!!!
So this was going to be just a blog I did for class, but after this class I know realize that there are no blogs like this. There are no stand-up blogs for the stand-up comedian. All the blogs out there by stand-up comedians are blog of them trying to be funny and such. This blog with be about the possess and experiences of a stand-up comic. I think the internet could use one of these.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Oh dear God I think I need to kill myself.
Please take a look at this.
In the event you were to lazy to click that link and read here is the gist. I am a 23 year old comic with a dream that has been archived by this 13 year old. Oh my God kill me. He was personally invited to audition for America's Got Talent. He started when he was 11. I started at 19. So in all the years I was working at honing my craft, he archived more in half the time!
I Googled the kid and checked kids resume. He has preformed at the legendary comedy store in LA, and has opened for Jimmy Walker. Remember him? You know... the "dynomite!" guy? Yeah him. Walker requested him. Like the kid got paid and stuff. Kill me.
Time to get a little personal. when I was in 4th grade I did stand-up in my school talent show. I was 10 or 11 at the time. For the most part I did jokes that I stole of the TV, but I ended with my own thing. I did a 90's version of the Wizard of Oz with a rap song. If you have not watched the videos of this kid, do so now. HE DOES A DAMN RAP SONG! Not only is he more successful then me, but he is more successful then me by stealing my thing. I bet he is a virgin too! Oh my God kill me!
Then again don't kill me. The more I think about it, this kid has to have a writer.... right? I mean he can't do this all alone.... right? I think some one has to be helping him with material. How would he know about no child left behind. Then again, if you watch the video of him at the Comedy Store he improvises some stuff. His bio also says he is quick on his feet and loves doing Q & A. Please some one kill me!
Now really don't kill me. This proves two things. One, if a kid can do something an adult has to work hard to do, even if they do it in a less impressive way then the kid will get attention. Think of any impressive task. Now imagine a 12 year old doing it. It becomes more mind blowing instantly. Two, the Internet makes fame much easier. This is a kid from Idaho. He would be no one if not for the Internet. So more power to you kid. You are funny, and I must say you made me laugh. But guess what, I can drive! HA!
In the event you were to lazy to click that link and read here is the gist. I am a 23 year old comic with a dream that has been archived by this 13 year old. Oh my God kill me. He was personally invited to audition for America's Got Talent. He started when he was 11. I started at 19. So in all the years I was working at honing my craft, he archived more in half the time!
I Googled the kid and checked kids resume. He has preformed at the legendary comedy store in LA, and has opened for Jimmy Walker. Remember him? You know... the "dynomite!" guy? Yeah him. Walker requested him. Like the kid got paid and stuff. Kill me.
Time to get a little personal. when I was in 4th grade I did stand-up in my school talent show. I was 10 or 11 at the time. For the most part I did jokes that I stole of the TV, but I ended with my own thing. I did a 90's version of the Wizard of Oz with a rap song. If you have not watched the videos of this kid, do so now. HE DOES A DAMN RAP SONG! Not only is he more successful then me, but he is more successful then me by stealing my thing. I bet he is a virgin too! Oh my God kill me!
Then again don't kill me. The more I think about it, this kid has to have a writer.... right? I mean he can't do this all alone.... right? I think some one has to be helping him with material. How would he know about no child left behind. Then again, if you watch the video of him at the Comedy Store he improvises some stuff. His bio also says he is quick on his feet and loves doing Q & A. Please some one kill me!
Now really don't kill me. This proves two things. One, if a kid can do something an adult has to work hard to do, even if they do it in a less impressive way then the kid will get attention. Think of any impressive task. Now imagine a 12 year old doing it. It becomes more mind blowing instantly. Two, the Internet makes fame much easier. This is a kid from Idaho. He would be no one if not for the Internet. So more power to you kid. You are funny, and I must say you made me laugh. But guess what, I can drive! HA!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Night of Sex 7, from a Stand-up point of view.
Think of any teen movie you ever saw. Who is getting made fun of? The nerd right? Why? Dresses funny sure. Smart, that is always bad. I also bet they call him on being a virgin. What a loser.
Oh by the way I am a virgin. Yeah, really. Do you know how hard it is to be a virgin at 22? Well I'm 23. And you know what I get made fun of a lot, but it is usually by me so I guess it is okay.
You see Night of Sex 7 was last week. A show with a lot of history. You see at night of sex 4, all those years ago, I made my stand-up debut and killed. Since then I have become a staple in the show with a new set every year. Night of Sex 7 will be my last one so this is my Superbowl. This is my Woodstock. So I thought I would be lighter then I have been lately and tell you of the rush that I got from doing this show.
So before the show I hang out with the people. Many of them know me from past years. They tell me that they can't wait to see my set this year. Some go as far as to say that it is the reason they came. The pressure builds. To bomb is one thing. To bomb with 3 years of hype on top of it. That is killer. This is where the doubt kicks in. Can I deliver? I mean I have never told these jokes before, how can I even be sure they funny? Can I even remember those jokes? GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I run away. I hide and run my jokes over and over again. Each time they seem less funnier. Are they funny or do I just know them so well that they are not funny to me? Can't turn back now. Should I just do last years joke? It is a cop out but I rather impress the people who don't know me then disappoint everyone. GAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Remember when I said it was going to lighter? It is getting there.
I am on stage now, hosting. 4 acts till my stand-up. But since I am hosting people might be sick of me by then. Can't think about that now. Gotta do my hosting duties I have plenty of time to panic in the wings. "And now here is a song by Blink 182." GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Just about to go on stage. Doing the new stuff. I can always bail early if things go south. This is the biggest crowd we have ever had for this show. But it still only like a 1/10 of everyone at Stockton. If I bomb I can just duck these people. Well here we go. Show time. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
On stage. Mic in hand. I am the baddest mother f***er in the world. Once I am on stage. Once the cheer at my name all the stress falls away. I own the room. These people are going to laugh, because I know I am funny as hell. "I love being at Stockton. This is the only college where you can go down the street and find a corner with a bowling alley, a liquor store and a porn store on it. It's great, all of Stockton's favorite one armed sports in one place!" They laugh. I rule the day, and that was joke one.
Then I get into my personal life. "I just had my anniversary with my girl. I took her to the nicest bar I know of. She turns to me and says lets pretend we are strangers. I say sure.... So I am hitting on the bartender. My girlfriend say what are you doing? I am trying to get laid. Leave me alone. She said, Noah stop! How do you know my name! Stalker!" True story. People laugh. In the haze I hear the distant laugh of my girlfriend. My smile grows a little wider.
I then talk about my virginity. "When you get up you think, Today might be the day. I might get sex tonight. When I get up I think, Today might be the day. I might finally beat my old tetris high score. Yeah, the only thing I am fitting together that night are little blocks." The last part I came up with on the spot. It gets a laugh. I am on fire.
"I feel like a rockstar. Feel free to throw your pantys on the stage." I don't know why I say that. I was just in the moment and it came out. No one throws any panties. Bummed I move on.
I close mineing oral sex. A bit over the line for me, but I just went for it. The crowd goes nuts. I want to stay in this moment forever. I decide I want to try. I whip out my camera and ask the audience to squish together for a photo. The picture actually come out really well.
The rest of the show I am high as a kite. I am just buzzing around riding the adrenaline. I feel like I could fly if I wanted. Luckily I don't try. The show ends.
I go home with my girlfriend and we sit around to talk about the show. I take a deep breath and reflect. As I sit there I find it hard to remember what really happened. The adrenaline wears away as I try to think what jokes I did. I explain that it really is all a blur. I am really unsure if I told all my jokes or not. My girlfriend says really, cause you went like 10 mins over your time. Stunned, I look over my jokes. Turn out a skipped quite a few. My girlfriend asks me what the rockstar line was about. I turned and looked at her. "What rockstar thing." I ask. "You said you were a rockstar and that we should throw our underware on the stage." I only remember saying it after she remines me. "So, was it good?" I laugh. "You were really funny. You know that."
"Yeah I do, but I just wanted to be sure."
"Do you really not remember?"
"I do, but it all seemed so fast, and surreal. I just want to makes sure it was as good as it felt."
I hope that I captured the chaos of this. It really is the greatest high in the world. To stand infront of 300 some people and have them love you for it. It is crazy. I hope everyone has something in their life that can compare to this feeling. It is like flying. It is also really hard to exspress in words.
Oh by the way I am a virgin. Yeah, really. Do you know how hard it is to be a virgin at 22? Well I'm 23. And you know what I get made fun of a lot, but it is usually by me so I guess it is okay.
You see Night of Sex 7 was last week. A show with a lot of history. You see at night of sex 4, all those years ago, I made my stand-up debut and killed. Since then I have become a staple in the show with a new set every year. Night of Sex 7 will be my last one so this is my Superbowl. This is my Woodstock. So I thought I would be lighter then I have been lately and tell you of the rush that I got from doing this show.
So before the show I hang out with the people. Many of them know me from past years. They tell me that they can't wait to see my set this year. Some go as far as to say that it is the reason they came. The pressure builds. To bomb is one thing. To bomb with 3 years of hype on top of it. That is killer. This is where the doubt kicks in. Can I deliver? I mean I have never told these jokes before, how can I even be sure they funny? Can I even remember those jokes? GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I run away. I hide and run my jokes over and over again. Each time they seem less funnier. Are they funny or do I just know them so well that they are not funny to me? Can't turn back now. Should I just do last years joke? It is a cop out but I rather impress the people who don't know me then disappoint everyone. GAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Remember when I said it was going to lighter? It is getting there.
I am on stage now, hosting. 4 acts till my stand-up. But since I am hosting people might be sick of me by then. Can't think about that now. Gotta do my hosting duties I have plenty of time to panic in the wings. "And now here is a song by Blink 182." GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Just about to go on stage. Doing the new stuff. I can always bail early if things go south. This is the biggest crowd we have ever had for this show. But it still only like a 1/10 of everyone at Stockton. If I bomb I can just duck these people. Well here we go. Show time. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
On stage. Mic in hand. I am the baddest mother f***er in the world. Once I am on stage. Once the cheer at my name all the stress falls away. I own the room. These people are going to laugh, because I know I am funny as hell. "I love being at Stockton. This is the only college where you can go down the street and find a corner with a bowling alley, a liquor store and a porn store on it. It's great, all of Stockton's favorite one armed sports in one place!" They laugh. I rule the day, and that was joke one.
Then I get into my personal life. "I just had my anniversary with my girl. I took her to the nicest bar I know of. She turns to me and says lets pretend we are strangers. I say sure.... So I am hitting on the bartender. My girlfriend say what are you doing? I am trying to get laid. Leave me alone. She said, Noah stop! How do you know my name! Stalker!" True story. People laugh. In the haze I hear the distant laugh of my girlfriend. My smile grows a little wider.
I then talk about my virginity. "When you get up you think, Today might be the day. I might get sex tonight. When I get up I think, Today might be the day. I might finally beat my old tetris high score. Yeah, the only thing I am fitting together that night are little blocks." The last part I came up with on the spot. It gets a laugh. I am on fire.
"I feel like a rockstar. Feel free to throw your pantys on the stage." I don't know why I say that. I was just in the moment and it came out. No one throws any panties. Bummed I move on.
I close mineing oral sex. A bit over the line for me, but I just went for it. The crowd goes nuts. I want to stay in this moment forever. I decide I want to try. I whip out my camera and ask the audience to squish together for a photo. The picture actually come out really well.
The rest of the show I am high as a kite. I am just buzzing around riding the adrenaline. I feel like I could fly if I wanted. Luckily I don't try. The show ends.
I go home with my girlfriend and we sit around to talk about the show. I take a deep breath and reflect. As I sit there I find it hard to remember what really happened. The adrenaline wears away as I try to think what jokes I did. I explain that it really is all a blur. I am really unsure if I told all my jokes or not. My girlfriend says really, cause you went like 10 mins over your time. Stunned, I look over my jokes. Turn out a skipped quite a few. My girlfriend asks me what the rockstar line was about. I turned and looked at her. "What rockstar thing." I ask. "You said you were a rockstar and that we should throw our underware on the stage." I only remember saying it after she remines me. "So, was it good?" I laugh. "You were really funny. You know that."
"Yeah I do, but I just wanted to be sure."
"Do you really not remember?"
"I do, but it all seemed so fast, and surreal. I just want to makes sure it was as good as it felt."
I hope that I captured the chaos of this. It really is the greatest high in the world. To stand infront of 300 some people and have them love you for it. It is crazy. I hope everyone has something in their life that can compare to this feeling. It is like flying. It is also really hard to exspress in words.
You smile with your teeth, we smile though ours.
"I tried to kill myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dieing. I would say the last time I tried to kill myself was about an hour ago. I jumped of a very tall building and accidentally did two perfect backflips and landed on my feet. The only people who saw this were two little kittens and one turned to the other and said, 'See that's how you do that.'" -Stephen Wright.
After reading various articles about stand-up I realize that this is a very violent activity. Think about it. If we do well we KILL. Do bad we DIE. The best part of our jokes are the PUNCHlines, unless of course we are doing SLAPstick, but everyone knows that is HACK. What is the the deal? Why these terms? Then I read Ed's response to my post, about self destruction in comedy, and it all became clear. The terms are violent, because stand-up is our fight to survive.
Read that Stephen Write joke again. Now take out the punchlines and pretend your best friend is saying those things. No only is it not funny, it's down right scary. Well I have some news for you. Stephen Wright really does think about killing himself. Stand-up in it's truest form is a display of who that person is. Exaggerated yes, but it is still them. These are the comedians true feelings. That is why they were able to write these things.
Take a look at Richard Louis. You more then likely know him as either as Larry David's friend from Curb or the prince in Robin Hood Men in tights. He is a stand-up great. He just talks about his insane paranoia, and it is hilarious. It is also true. If you saw Richard today and asked him, "Are you okay? You look sick." He would panic. He would just check over himself a million times to see if he was sick and more then likely decide that he is sick afterward. That is his life, the only difference is he shares it.
I am no exception. I was recently in a car accident. totaled my car. My grandfather's car. That I inherited when he passed away. My girlfriend was in the car and I was pulling out of the WAWA. We were going on a little date and I had to tap the ATM. My girlfriend mentioned there was an ATM where we were headed and there was no need for me to go the way I was going, but I went to WAWA out of spite. In other words there was no reason for me to be there and the accident could have been avoided. As they towed my car away the date money was spent on WAWA hoggies and we waited an hour and a half for a ride. My girlfriend then had to go home. She left without a date and won't be seeing me for two weeks. I was crushed.
Two days later I hit the stage, "So I just smashed my car, which sucks. Car was totaled, but what bummed me out is that I was hit coming out of a gas station! The car I can deal with but I blew 35 bucks on a full tank to move 35 feet. To add insult to injury is that I almost made it out of the way and just got nailed, then I found out that I was hit by a DODGE!"
Not my best joke sure, but everyone laughs. I laugh to, but not because I think it is all that funny. I just like knowing that something good at least came out of my pain. So I smile along with everyone, because is I were to cry I think it would kill the mood.
When Stephen Colbert was asked how he writes his show he said, "I open the paper and look for things that make me want to cry. Then I think of something funny so I don't." In all honesty that is what comedy is. We laugh to keep from crying. You know the saying, "it is funny because it is true"? Well all jokes are true in some respect. Something gave that comedian that idea for that joke. You can bet is was a real life experience.
Now I don't want you to feel sorry for us. That is not the point. I just want to show what an odd breed us comedians are. While other performances are to spread a message or make money, comedy is really for the comedian. Dane Cook has a new joke about a fan who wrote a letter saying, "Both your parents got cancer and died to get away from your comedy." I know his first reaction to this was not, "This is really funny!" No. It was hurtful, but if we can spin it into comedy then maybe the pain goes away. You see while our lives suck, comedy is the only way we have found to deal with it. When you laugh you give us a great gift. You give us power over our situation. Not only is the the pain gone for that moment, but it is conquered! So don't feel bad for us laugh with us. We really don't want you to know the darkness. We don't even want to know it. That is why we wrote the joke. As a matter of fact forget you read this. It's to depressing to know that our comic grin is made of plastic, and comedy is our drug that makes us feel normal. But it is true.... and that's why it's funny.
"Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says, he's depressed. Says life seems cruel and harsh. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. The Great clown Paglacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man busts into tears. 'But Doctor... I am Paglacci!' Great joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains." -Rorschach from Watchmen
After reading various articles about stand-up I realize that this is a very violent activity. Think about it. If we do well we KILL. Do bad we DIE. The best part of our jokes are the PUNCHlines, unless of course we are doing SLAPstick, but everyone knows that is HACK. What is the the deal? Why these terms? Then I read Ed's response to my post, about self destruction in comedy, and it all became clear. The terms are violent, because stand-up is our fight to survive.
Read that Stephen Write joke again. Now take out the punchlines and pretend your best friend is saying those things. No only is it not funny, it's down right scary. Well I have some news for you. Stephen Wright really does think about killing himself. Stand-up in it's truest form is a display of who that person is. Exaggerated yes, but it is still them. These are the comedians true feelings. That is why they were able to write these things.
Take a look at Richard Louis. You more then likely know him as either as Larry David's friend from Curb or the prince in Robin Hood Men in tights. He is a stand-up great. He just talks about his insane paranoia, and it is hilarious. It is also true. If you saw Richard today and asked him, "Are you okay? You look sick." He would panic. He would just check over himself a million times to see if he was sick and more then likely decide that he is sick afterward. That is his life, the only difference is he shares it.
I am no exception. I was recently in a car accident. totaled my car. My grandfather's car. That I inherited when he passed away. My girlfriend was in the car and I was pulling out of the WAWA. We were going on a little date and I had to tap the ATM. My girlfriend mentioned there was an ATM where we were headed and there was no need for me to go the way I was going, but I went to WAWA out of spite. In other words there was no reason for me to be there and the accident could have been avoided. As they towed my car away the date money was spent on WAWA hoggies and we waited an hour and a half for a ride. My girlfriend then had to go home. She left without a date and won't be seeing me for two weeks. I was crushed.
Two days later I hit the stage, "So I just smashed my car, which sucks. Car was totaled, but what bummed me out is that I was hit coming out of a gas station! The car I can deal with but I blew 35 bucks on a full tank to move 35 feet. To add insult to injury is that I almost made it out of the way and just got nailed, then I found out that I was hit by a DODGE!"
Not my best joke sure, but everyone laughs. I laugh to, but not because I think it is all that funny. I just like knowing that something good at least came out of my pain. So I smile along with everyone, because is I were to cry I think it would kill the mood.
When Stephen Colbert was asked how he writes his show he said, "I open the paper and look for things that make me want to cry. Then I think of something funny so I don't." In all honesty that is what comedy is. We laugh to keep from crying. You know the saying, "it is funny because it is true"? Well all jokes are true in some respect. Something gave that comedian that idea for that joke. You can bet is was a real life experience.
Now I don't want you to feel sorry for us. That is not the point. I just want to show what an odd breed us comedians are. While other performances are to spread a message or make money, comedy is really for the comedian. Dane Cook has a new joke about a fan who wrote a letter saying, "Both your parents got cancer and died to get away from your comedy." I know his first reaction to this was not, "This is really funny!" No. It was hurtful, but if we can spin it into comedy then maybe the pain goes away. You see while our lives suck, comedy is the only way we have found to deal with it. When you laugh you give us a great gift. You give us power over our situation. Not only is the the pain gone for that moment, but it is conquered! So don't feel bad for us laugh with us. We really don't want you to know the darkness. We don't even want to know it. That is why we wrote the joke. As a matter of fact forget you read this. It's to depressing to know that our comic grin is made of plastic, and comedy is our drug that makes us feel normal. But it is true.... and that's why it's funny.
"Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says, he's depressed. Says life seems cruel and harsh. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. The Great clown Paglacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man busts into tears. 'But Doctor... I am Paglacci!' Great joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains." -Rorschach from Watchmen
Monday, March 2, 2009
A teacher's first amendment right: Protected but not to be abused.
The Pickering v. The Board of Education case showed that a teacher can not be fired for expressing their first amendment right, when the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Pickering. Marvin L. Pickering was fired for an article he wrote in a local newspaper criticizing the BOE for using money on athletics rather then education. The court's ruling got Pickering reinstated and sent a message that people of public employment will not have their rights compromised. Inevitably as a result some jerk has to take things to far.
Enter Norman Alderman, a teacher from West Virgina. A teacher since 1980 he was ejected from a 2002 meeting. Now the reason for this is missing from this article, but one can guess that there at least was one. Norman then returned to the meeting with a video camera to catch each and ever injustice. The police were then called and he was arrested. Norman then sued and won. He also remained at the school.
Time out. Can anyone understand that? Why do you continue to work at a school that screwed you? Isn't it uncomfortable standing at the water cooler taking about that time they had you arrested? I just find it odd.
Anyway, in 2006 the board decide that Norman will be transferred from a technology facilitator to a classroom teacher. Norman, not happy with this, did the normal thing. He requested a hearing on the matter and complained on the Internet. It was at the hearing that things went south. Norman was given twenty minutes to state his case. He spent those twenty minutes calling his bosses thieves and cockroaches among other things, never once mentioning the transfer. He was fired.
Since it worked the first time, Norman sued. This time the courts did not rule in his favor. The reason: unlike Pickering who was fired for comments he made that regarded tax payer's money and thus was important to the community, Norman was just being an ass. He's comments were not public concerning, thus not protected by the first amendment.
To that I say heer heer! I must agree with the ruling. The way I think of it is this. Think of a job. Any job. Office work, teacher, cashier, construction, anything. Okay now imagine that a co-work of yours just called your boss a cockroach. Not just that, but he called the boss a cockroach for twenty strait minutes. Do you think you are going to see him at work tomorrow? No. Calling your boss names is a bad idea! Why would he think that doing that would help the situation? What was he hoping to accomplish?
So then, after telling the boss off, he gets fired. Then he decides to take those people to court to get your job back. The big question, why do you still want to work there?! You got want it seemed like you wanted. You are not going to be a classroom teacher now. Chalk it up as a win.
Okay I might be looking at this a little to simply. The man lost his job and thus his income so he needs money, even if that means going back to those cockroaches, but think about it like this. Lets throw the name calling out completely. He was given a job, and he refused to do it. In every situation, you get fired for that, and he did. What argument could be made? His only really option was to use the Constitution as a weapon, witch makes me sick. People like Pickering had to fight tooth and nail for rights he deserved. Norman on the other hand was trying to exploit those right to get ahead. I have no remorse for him and I think he got exactly what he had coming to him: A pink slip.
Enter Norman Alderman, a teacher from West Virgina. A teacher since 1980 he was ejected from a 2002 meeting. Now the reason for this is missing from this article, but one can guess that there at least was one. Norman then returned to the meeting with a video camera to catch each and ever injustice. The police were then called and he was arrested. Norman then sued and won. He also remained at the school.
Time out. Can anyone understand that? Why do you continue to work at a school that screwed you? Isn't it uncomfortable standing at the water cooler taking about that time they had you arrested? I just find it odd.
Anyway, in 2006 the board decide that Norman will be transferred from a technology facilitator to a classroom teacher. Norman, not happy with this, did the normal thing. He requested a hearing on the matter and complained on the Internet. It was at the hearing that things went south. Norman was given twenty minutes to state his case. He spent those twenty minutes calling his bosses thieves and cockroaches among other things, never once mentioning the transfer. He was fired.
Since it worked the first time, Norman sued. This time the courts did not rule in his favor. The reason: unlike Pickering who was fired for comments he made that regarded tax payer's money and thus was important to the community, Norman was just being an ass. He's comments were not public concerning, thus not protected by the first amendment.
To that I say heer heer! I must agree with the ruling. The way I think of it is this. Think of a job. Any job. Office work, teacher, cashier, construction, anything. Okay now imagine that a co-work of yours just called your boss a cockroach. Not just that, but he called the boss a cockroach for twenty strait minutes. Do you think you are going to see him at work tomorrow? No. Calling your boss names is a bad idea! Why would he think that doing that would help the situation? What was he hoping to accomplish?
So then, after telling the boss off, he gets fired. Then he decides to take those people to court to get your job back. The big question, why do you still want to work there?! You got want it seemed like you wanted. You are not going to be a classroom teacher now. Chalk it up as a win.
Okay I might be looking at this a little to simply. The man lost his job and thus his income so he needs money, even if that means going back to those cockroaches, but think about it like this. Lets throw the name calling out completely. He was given a job, and he refused to do it. In every situation, you get fired for that, and he did. What argument could be made? His only really option was to use the Constitution as a weapon, witch makes me sick. People like Pickering had to fight tooth and nail for rights he deserved. Norman on the other hand was trying to exploit those right to get ahead. I have no remorse for him and I think he got exactly what he had coming to him: A pink slip.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Dieing is easy, comedy is hard.
So according to Punchline Magazine, Eddie Murphy will be playing the late great Richard Pryor in an upcoming movie. Personally I think Chris Rock would be a better choice, but I think Eddie is a good choice. After reading this I come across this article from Chucklemonkey.com about the anniversary of the passing of Bill Hicks at the age of 32. This got me to thinking, why do comics die young?
I took some time to think about those who have passed before their prime. Andy Kaufman, Chris Farly, John Belushi, Mitch Hedburg, Richard Jeni, Lenny Bruce, Phil Hartman, Freddie Prinze, John Candy, Sam Kinsison and they are just the ones I could come up with. Why is this? Why do these guys die?
It seems that drugs are one of the main reason. It seems that drugs are all around comedy. One of Mitch Hedburgs jokes is,"I love the UPS guy, he is a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it." He died of a drug over dose. Many comedians talk about using drugs in their act. Stephen Lynch talks about using cocaine. Many many talk about smoking pot and even more talk about getting drunk, while drinking on stage. This begs the question, do drugs make you a better writer?
I have a friend that use to be a musician. When I asked why he stopped writing music he said, "I stopped being creative, when I stopped smoking." When he says smoking he means thumb pointer cigarettes, not pointer middle cigarettes, if you catch my drift. It seems that drugs like marijuana and cocaine are the steroids of comedy. It really is a scary thought that if these comedians did not do these drugs they might still be around, but they might also not be funny. So I can't really blame these guys. Comedy is the dream. There is nothing on this earth like making a room full of people burst out with laughter. And with no board of health monitoring the use of comedy enhancement drugs, I can see why they use. That is what makes it so scary.
I can't help but look at myself. I have never done an illegal drug. Never smoked a cigarette. I drink but after two I am pretty much a goner. I think I am funny now, but would I be funnier if I spent some time under the influence? I mean that is a main source of material for many comedians that I do not have access to. If everyone is the comic world is doing it why shouldn't I level the playing field.
Of course I would never do any drugs, but you can see the temptation. You could see why a new comic would fall into this trap. It seems that this pattern will continue for as long as drugs can be made available. So forever and always me and other clean comics will be at a disadvantage. Disagree? Think that drugs are not funny. Well answer me this, how funny was this post? Okay now how funny do you think this post would have been if it started with the line, "Okay, I just took mushrooms."?
I took some time to think about those who have passed before their prime. Andy Kaufman, Chris Farly, John Belushi, Mitch Hedburg, Richard Jeni, Lenny Bruce, Phil Hartman, Freddie Prinze, John Candy, Sam Kinsison and they are just the ones I could come up with. Why is this? Why do these guys die?
It seems that drugs are one of the main reason. It seems that drugs are all around comedy. One of Mitch Hedburgs jokes is,"I love the UPS guy, he is a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it." He died of a drug over dose. Many comedians talk about using drugs in their act. Stephen Lynch talks about using cocaine. Many many talk about smoking pot and even more talk about getting drunk, while drinking on stage. This begs the question, do drugs make you a better writer?
I have a friend that use to be a musician. When I asked why he stopped writing music he said, "I stopped being creative, when I stopped smoking." When he says smoking he means thumb pointer cigarettes, not pointer middle cigarettes, if you catch my drift. It seems that drugs like marijuana and cocaine are the steroids of comedy. It really is a scary thought that if these comedians did not do these drugs they might still be around, but they might also not be funny. So I can't really blame these guys. Comedy is the dream. There is nothing on this earth like making a room full of people burst out with laughter. And with no board of health monitoring the use of comedy enhancement drugs, I can see why they use. That is what makes it so scary.
I can't help but look at myself. I have never done an illegal drug. Never smoked a cigarette. I drink but after two I am pretty much a goner. I think I am funny now, but would I be funnier if I spent some time under the influence? I mean that is a main source of material for many comedians that I do not have access to. If everyone is the comic world is doing it why shouldn't I level the playing field.
Of course I would never do any drugs, but you can see the temptation. You could see why a new comic would fall into this trap. It seems that this pattern will continue for as long as drugs can be made available. So forever and always me and other clean comics will be at a disadvantage. Disagree? Think that drugs are not funny. Well answer me this, how funny was this post? Okay now how funny do you think this post would have been if it started with the line, "Okay, I just took mushrooms."?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
First Post
This is the first post on the this blog. This is a very important post for it sets the bar for all following post. A poor post here could doom the entire blog to the depth of blogger.com where no one will read it. It is important I don't say anything stupid....
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AQUAMAN RULES!!!!
...darn it.
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AQUAMAN RULES!!!!
...darn it.
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